Are You Really There for Your Pre-teen?

Preteens matter more than we think, yet they are often the most ignored stage of childhood—the golden years caught between care and neglect. These are the years we overlook before we worry. Preteens aren’t difficult; they’re unnoticed. And the question we rarely ask ourselves is the one that matters most: are we really there for them?

I am a mother of three children, aged 2, 12, and 17. I became a mother at a young age, and I truly believe that each child brought out a different mother in me. I am not the same parent with all three. Many factors shaped that evolution—my understanding of responsibility at each stage, the books I read, the information I searched for, and the fears and anxieties that defined those years.

The reason I chose this topic for Al Jalees Times is simple: my 12-year-old is now in the midst of adolescence, and I constantly ask myself how I can maximize my role as his strongest supporter. I know I made significant mistakes with my first child. Yet when I look back, I also remember feeling confident, purposeful, and deeply committed—convinced that I was doing the right thing. That certainty, I’ve learned, is often part of the early parenting journey.

These days, I find myself avoiding long conversations with new mothers—not out of judgment, but recognition. Many carry an intense conviction that they have parenting figured out, armed with the latest methods, trends, and hacks. I remember that fire well. But experience has taught me something humbling: parenting does not work that neatly. It requires deeper thinking, questioning what we’re told, listening closely, and accepting that no method is universal.

This article is not about perfect parenting. It is about awareness. As a team, we researched adolescence carefully—through science, lived experiences, and real voices—to offer thoughtful guidance for parents of preteens. Our goal is not to provide answers, but to help you ask better questions as your child enters one of the most formative stages of their life.

What’s Actually Happening in Their Brains

Preteens are in a phase of rapid growth—emotionally, physically, intellectually, and mentally. During adolescence, the brain undergoes its most intense remodeling roughly between ages 10 and 25, a period marked by heightened neuroplasticity. This makes it an especially powerful window to form habits, shape emotional regulation, and rewire behavioral patterns.

Adolescence is not chaos—it’s construction.

During these years, the brain undergoes a process known as neural pruning, where frequently used connections are strengthened while others are gradually weakened. At the same time, emotional and reward systems mature earlier, while areas responsible for planning, prioritization, impulse control, and moderating social behavior are still under development.

This developmental imbalance helps explain why preteens often experience:

• Heightened emotions
• Increased social sensitivity
• Difficulty interpreting social cues
• Stronger reactions to perceived criticism or rejection

It’s also why this stage can feel like a roller coaster—not because something is going wrong, but because something important is being built. Researchers describe adolescence as a golden window for learning and growth, when the brain is especially agile, flexible, and open to new experiences.

Yet paradoxically, this age group remains one of the most neglected by society. Meaningful activities, clubs, structured peer groups, and safe spaces for expression often skip the 10–16 age range—leaving children to navigate profound internal changes largely on their own.

Children at this stage don’t need more pressure. They need presence, understanding, and intentional guidance.

Community Voices:

An Interview With my 12-Year-Old son, Abdulaziz

Q: Compare yourself from age 10 to age 12—what changed?

“I feel the same day to day. I don’t notice micro changes, but when I look back, I realize the changes added up into something big.”

Q: Why do preteens feel ‘weird’ sometimes?

“When you’re a child, you don’t feel emotions this strongly. As you grow, your emotions develop and become more intense. That’s when things feel strange.”

Q: What should adults understand better about preteens?

“Kids are going through a lot internally, and some experience it as a threat. It’s different for each child. Adults shouldn’t push too hard when kids are already vulnerable—but not challenging them at all is also harmful. A healthy balance builds confidence and a stronger relationship. The worst thing is leaving them without guidance, because intelligent brains will take advantage of chaos.”

I learned from my children what real support looks like (and what doesn’t)

They need:

• Safe spaces to express uncertainty without judgment
• Moderate challenge—not pressure, not neglect
• Adults who explain why, not just what
• Belonging that isn’t performance-based

They don’t need:

• Constant correction
• Emotional dismissal (“you’re overreacting”)
• Total freedom disguised as trust
• Adult expectations without age-appropriate tools

Abdullah, a millennial parent, reflects on the tensions many parents wrestle with today.

I often find myself asking uncomfortable questions: are we declining mentally as a society—and are our children declining with us? Have we overprotected them, wrapped them in so much safety that we’ve taken away the value of free play, risk, and even the small cuts and bruises that once came with a football match or a game of hide and seek?

Somewhere along the way, we moved our kids from familiar, semi-controlled spaces—schoolyards and backyards—into much more unpredictable digital ones. Often not intentionally, but because screens give us a little calm after long, exhausting days. Still, I worry about the cost of that calm.

Today, kids are expected to be aware of how they look, how they speak, and how they come across all the time. Every mistake can be recorded, shared, and magnified in seconds. If children are afraid to make mistakes, how do they learn resilience—or how to handle things when life doesn’t go their way?

In our home, we made a conscious choice to limit social media for our nine-year-old. She knows the apps by name—she doesn’t live in a bubble—but she doesn’t know their purpose. We want her, and her younger brother, to live their age. That doesn’t mean no screens at all. She taught herself piano through YouTube Kids and played on stage at her end-of-year school party, which reminded me that not all internet use is bad.

Later that day, while celebrating at a restaurant, she joined some classmates. A tablet came out, a viral dance started, and suddenly everyone knew the moves—except her. She stood there, a little lost, then joined in anyway. I remember thinking: am I depriving her of something? Or is she just having a childhood, the way I did, without knowing what was trending?

I don’t think social media is the villain. It connects us, teaches us, and even brought you to this article. I think the real question is how we use it—and how early we hand it to our children. And I’m starting to believe that figuring this out isn’t just a parenting issue, but a community one.

Najl, a member of the Al Jalees community in her twenties, shares a reflection on the importance of being listened to.

I was reading an article published by UNICEF that emphasized how important it is to be an active listener when it comes to teenagers’ problems and concerns. I wanted to add to that, because I think many adults fall into the habit of assuming they know better simply because they are older and more experienced. But age doesn’t always equal understanding.

When you allow teens to guide the conversation, they can offer perspectives you may have never considered before. As a child, I often felt misunderstood, and I would have loved to have an adult who simply listened—without assumptions, without thinking they already had all the answers.

That experience stayed with me. Today, it’s something I practice with everyone. I try to listen first and ask questions to truly understand what someone is going through, whether they’re a teenager, someone my age, or older.

Adala reflects on adolescence from the perspective of someone who has lived through it and come out the other side.

As a teenager, I slowly became more aware of the complexities of life and of my parents as people, not just authority figures. Being the firstborn came with its own challenges—I experienced a lot of my parents’ trial and error in real time. Over the years, I came to understand that no one has perfect parents and no one has a flawless childhood. Parenting inevitably involves mistakes, and children eventually learn how to navigate and grow beyond them.

One of the most important lessons adolescence taught me was forgiveness. Learning to forgive parents—whether or not they apologize—is not easy, but it is necessary. Some adolescents experience far more difficult upbringings than others, and not everyone receives the closure or explanations they hope for. Growing up often means pushing through unresolved feelings and accepting that perfect apologies don’t always come.

I believe that both parents and children need space to recover from the imperfections of the past. Healing doesn’t happen on one side alone. With time, reflection, and compassion, both can move forward together and overcome the inevitable flaws that come with growing up and raising children.

Looking Ahead: The Anxious Generation

Our current read, The Anxious Generation, sheds light on many of the risk factors shaping this age group today—especially social anxiety, overstimulation, and the replacement of real-world connection with digital substitutes. Understanding adolescent development isn’t optional anymore; it’s foundational if we want to raise emotionally resilient, confident young adults.

This age doesn’t need fixing. It needs catching—before the world defines it for them.

Quotes from Our Current Read

“Childhood is not a training program for adulthood; it is a developmental stage with its own needs.”

“When children are deprived of real-world, embodied experiences, their anxiety increases rather than decreases.”

“Overprotection in the physical world combined with underprotection in the digital world is a recipe for fragile development.”

“Resilience grows through manageable stress, not the absence of challenge.”

Recommended Reading

• Untangled – Lisa Damour
  Best for emotional development, especially for girls. Calm, validating, and very practical.
• The Emotional Lives of Teenagers – Lisa Damour
  Best for decoding mood swings, silence, intensity, and emotional withdrawal without panic.

References

• https://youtu.be/dISmdb5zfiQ
• https://www.unicef.org/ukraine/en/stories/11-tips-communicating-your-teen